Back to blogging...

You know what's really funny?  When I started this blog 3 years ago, I titled "Where life gets a little bit nutty...".  That was so long ago, yet it still fits. I'm back to blogging, but not necessarily to relay info or brag on my kids, which I will do, I'm sure-- but just as an outlet for me.  A place to journal my journey. 
When I was younger, I always dreamed of meeting the perfect guy, have 2.3 kids, a dog, a home and be a busy stay at home mom, coordinating PTA meetings and carting the kids to their activities.  My kids would be oh-so-well-behaved and life would be grand. Ah, how nieve was I? 

After almost 11 years of marriage, I can look back and say I have the perfect guy for me... I have 2 boys, no dog anymore (sorry Toby), and a home.  Staying at home to raise kids and coordinating PTA meetings isn't part of the reality-- and that's ok.  I do cart my kids to their activities and yell from the sidelines during soccer games.  However, that dream that I had all those years ago never included having a child with a developmental disability.

Graham has a mild case of pervasive developmental disorder- not otherwise specified (PDD-NOS), street name: autism.  After umpteen assessments between the school district and our developmental pediatrician, its pretty clear that we don't just have language delays, we have the trifecta: language delays, social delays and behavior issues.  Finally, someone explained to both Geoff and I those three things are present in kids with PDD-NOS. Finally... we have an answer.

Having the answer has good and bad sides to it.  As a mother, I thought that I failed to a certain extent-- here is this incredibly intelligent, active little boy-- but I couldn't teach him that its not ok throw a tantrum in the middle of the store for no reason at all or haul off and hit his older brother for stealing the froggy. There were (and still are) times that I can't tell what the heck this kid is saying... he gets increasingly more frustrated because he's trying to communicate and I don't understand him. All the dreams I had for this child are unrealistic now. I had to lay those down... to let go of them (holy cow, that was a depressing week).  I realize in laying those down, I will be able to pick up new dreams for him. Celebrate things that seem mundane to most, but will be huge for Graham.

Let's get to the good part of having an answer... knowing that its not completely my fault that Graham the challenges he does. Whew. Huge weight lifted. The other great part is that there is so much information about spectrum disorders out there-- and we've identified this early enough to potentially change the course of Graham's life. This week we are starting ABA Therapy (Applied Behavioral Analysis) 6 hours a week. We've had to rearrange our family around this, so I pray to God that it helps Graham. 

Several months ago, I was talking to my friend Deb, from worship team, between services. She was inquiring about the boys and I had mentioned we were having some problems with Graham. She said something so profound to me... she said that God had created Graham exactly the way he is--God knew what He was doing. I thought that God gave me this little bundle of joy 3 years ago and something I did or didn't do made him this way.  Like I had tainted something perfect because of who I was. That's a hard pill to swallow... I believe with everything in me that God knew way before that positive pregnancy test in March 2006 that I would have a little boy and that this little boy would have autism. God knew then, and He knows now, how this journey is going to go. I have to choose to rest in knowledge that God's got this... easier said than done... which is why I'm blogging. This journey that we are embarking on isn't going to be easy, but I am going to plow forward the best way I know how.